A Practical Stoicism Course: Living with Serenity in an Imperfect World
Lesson 4: The Stoic Golden Rule for a Better Life.
What We’ve Already Learned
In Chapter 1, we accepted reality to transform it.
In Chapter 2, we reprogrammed our beliefs to shape the life we want.
In Chapter 3, we boosted self-love to hit rock bottom faster and save time.
Today, it all comes together.
A Stoic golden rule for living with serenity.
Get ready.
Seneca wrote in On the Shortness of Life, Chapter 1:
“It’s not that we have too little time, but that we waste too much. Life is long enough if used well.”
And if you think about it, he was right.
Because…
How much time do we spend bitter over things that only exist in our heads and never actually happen?
How much time do we spend obsessed with what others will think if we do this or that?
—Spoiler: nobody cares.
How much time do we waste not doing things, driven by our prejudices?
How much time do we lose by not accepting things as they are?
Think about that for a second.
If we understood, as Marcus Aurelius advised, that “there’s no need to get angry at things, for things don’t care” :-).
If we understood, as Marcus also suggested, that the best approach is to “ask that things be as they are and not otherwise,” and acted accordingly…
Do you realize what would happen?
How much time we’d save.
How many projects we’d start.
How many bold decisions we’d make.
This isn’t theory.
It’s a golden rule for living better.
Amor Fati: The Stoic Golden Rule
Amor fati is not just accepting what happens but loving it unconditionally.
In Epictetus’ words:
“Don’t seek for events to happen as you wish, but wish for them to happen as they do, and your life will flow well.”
This is the only rule that guarantees: 1) you stop wasting time and 2) you live serenely, which, to me, is the best kind of life because it’s the one where you feel the least anguish, stress, or suffering, no matter the circumstances you face.
I know it’s not easy. And I know many of us have been dealt a double dose of crap in life’s lottery.
I get it. But I also like to think that everything bad that happens to us happens for a reason.
And this isn’t naive thinking. The emperor of the ancient world, Marcus Aurelius, said: “Accept the things to which fate binds you and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart.”
In other words, no faking it :-).
Transform Your Heart, Transform Your Life
Even if you could bend reality to your will and make everything and everyone behave as you want, you wouldn’t be happy.
Seriously. You wouldn’t.
Erich Fromm wrote about this: “The complete satisfaction of all instinctual needs is not only not a basis for happiness, it doesn’t even guarantee mental health.”
Think about modern billionaire tech moguls or dictators who never have enough. They don’t seem very happy, do they?
The best approach is to use reality as a mirror to work on yourself.
What You Can’t Change Changes You, and That’s Wonderful
In the end, you realize that losing is the best way to win.
Boom!
Because when you stop obsessing over things being the way you want them to be and they aren’t, you start questioning reality.
And that puts you back in the flow of life’s river.
Avoiding dead ends and taking a new direction whenever things stop flowing.
This makes you better, because when something doesn’t work, you have to:
Get creative to find new solutions to your problems.
Explore new paths.
Learn new skills to reinvent yourself and move forward.
Let go of what causes you anguish, stress, and pain.
Build determination, which is a superpower.
The Hidden Power of Determination
Accepting fate, things as they are, and what you can’t change doesn’t mean giving up.
On the contrary, it means finding new routes.
And for that, you need determination.
According to psychologist Angela Lee Duckworth, who researched and found that determination is the top predictor of success in any area of life, determination is passion and perseverance toward long-term goals.
In other words, determination is clinging to your desired future day after day, facing reality’s dead ends, and working hard to make your dreams come true.
In Angela’s words: “Life is a marathon, not a sprint.”
So, it’s not just about accepting failures but applying what you’ve learned each time you fail, iterating to find a new path to your desired outcome, consistently and confidently over time.
How to Build Determination in Your Daily Life
Don’t obsess over what you can’t change. Learn that’s not the way. And stop wasting energy banging your head against reality.
Lesson learned, look for new paths, opportunities, and question reality to see if that’s the way.
Do this over and over, through time, until the map becomes the path. The route doesn’t exist yet—you’ll create it through a constant process of trial and error.
Thanks to this, you’ll not only reach your goal but also develop what Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck calls a “growth mindset,” which you can apply to every new goal, making it easier each time because it’ll be less emotionally taxing and stressful.
According to Carol, the ability to learn isn’t fixed—it can improve with time and effort.
In fact, once you realize this, you’ll persevere more because you’ll understand that your learning capacity is like a muscle you train at the gym, capable of lifting more weight over time. You’ll want to tackle new challenges, and as a result:
You’ll feel less frustrated when learning something new because the process will be faster.
You’ll understand that failure isn’t permanent but a matter of time, of accepting reality’s dead ends and exploring the map until you find the right path to your destination, your desire.
You’ll finally discover that failing isn’t the same as being a failure—it’s just asking reality, “Is this the way or not?” until you find the right path.
So, my unsolicited advice for today is: “Love what you can’t change, focus on what you can control, and cultivate determination to turn obstacles into paths toward a serene and fulfilling life.”
Proposed Exercise: Embrace Amor Fati Daily
Objective: Practice loving what you can’t change and taking small steps to move forward.
Pick One Problem (2 minutes) Think of something bothering you today (e.g., a delay, an argument). Write it down. Example: “I’m annoyed because my plans got canceled.”
Love It (5 minutes) Write 1-2 sentences about why you can accept and even love this situation. How might it help you grow? Example: “I love that my plans got canceled because it gives me time to relax and try something new.”
Focus on What You Control (3 minutes) List one thing you can do about this situation. It can be small. Example: “I can use this free time to read or call a friend.”
Act and Learn (Daily for 3 Days) Do your one action today. If it doesn’t work, try a different small action tomorrow. Each day, jot down one thing you learned.
Example: “Reading didn’t feel right, so I tried a walk instead. Learned I feel better moving.”Reflect (2 minutes after 3 Days) Write one sentence: How did accepting and acting make you feel calmer or stronger?
Example: “Loving the cancellation and trying new things made me feel less stressed and more in control.”
Tip: Each morning, say to yourself: “I’ll love what happens today and focus on what I can do.”
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A virtual hug,
AG