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Growing up happens over time; maturing only happens if you take advantage of it.

The more you mature, the happier you are because you can stop giving too much importance to things you can’t change or that don’t matter.

To mature, you need to get up and fall again and again.

My grandfather always said, “I have seen the strongest people cry and fall. I have seen the wisest people not know how to respond. I’ve seen the most successful people start over and over again. But I’ve never seen them go backward because they know that you have to lose to be good at something.”

And he was right.

There’s nothing more beautiful than watching your dreams grow after facing all your fears, buts, hows, and whys.

Nothing is more beautiful than looking at yourself in the mirror and knowing that despite the years and disappointments, you are still standing, believing in yourself, without losing faith.

But for that, you have to take life with a sense of humor. And face the following sad truths with a good face.

1. People don’t listen. They wait for their turn to speak. They would put you on double speed (like YouTube videos) while feigning interest if they could. But since they can’t, more and more people opt to make interested faces until they sense it’s time to talk about what they really care about.

2. The more you worry about what you can’t change, the less you care about what’s important. You can’t do anything to change the tragedies and injustices that bombard you daily on the news. Nor can you make your favorite soccer team win, no matter how much you yell at the TV. The more you allow the macro to put you in a bad mood, the more you neglect the micro: all those little daily decisions that can make a difference in your life, like being nice to the waiter, asking out the person you like, or calling your mother to see if she’s lonely. To ordinary people, you are someone important. You may not be able to save the world, but you can keep yours from burning. Don’t forget.

3. No one will remember you 150 years from now. Or do you remember your great-great-grandfather? In 2174 (2024 +150 years), at best, you’ll be a name on a statue that pigeons shit on and a couple of funny anecdotes in your great-great-grandson’s family tree work in history class.

4. No one is an island. We depend on each other, even if we hate to admit it. Whenever I have a problem trusting others and become paranoid, I remind myself that I would be incapable of proving that the earth is round, interpreting an X-ray, or fixing a computer. If it were up to me, we would go back to the Middle Ages, not because I wanted to but because of my lack of technological knowledge. We need to trust people even if we don’t want to. Remember: things work because there are good and responsible people who do their job well and have professional ethics.

5. You are replaceable to almost everyone except your family and dog (until he gets hungry). Because of that, you are in charge of your own happiness. So, if you have found something that gives your life meaning, protect it. Even if it seems silly to the rest of the world, like painting model airplanes at 60 or learning minority languages that only a few people speak.

6. The rolled-up toothpaste theory. In many jobs (it also applies to toxic romantic relationships), you will be pressured to produce more (to give more of yourself). And you’ll tend to think that if you can provide enough, your employers (or toxic partners) will value you. But they don’t. Visualize yourself as if you were a tube of toothpaste. When there is little left, you roll it up (your boss or partner pushing you) to get the last doses of the product. But when nothing is rejected, you throw it away (they fire you or break up with you :-) and buy a new tube (they hire someone younger or go out with someone else). Having this clear makes you remember that your priority is you, not your boss or partner. Don’t lose perspective.

7. People say the average adult lies between 4 and 200 times daily. I don’t know if this is true. I do know that people can look you in the eye and say “I love you” while hiding the phone so you won’t find they are cheating on you. I also know that some people ask for money, saying they will repay you when they do not intend to. Liars are a part of life, and their excuses are usually lies aimed at regaining your trust so that you don’t retaliate immediately or to get something more from you.

8. We do not always attract people who vibrate like us. Sometimes, we attract people into our lives who embody the problems we have come to transcend. Those problems are necessary for us to progress spiritually. Living leaves marks.

9. Many people will resent your happiness and your youth. And I’m not referring to the age on your ID card but to your emotional age, in which there are only two categories: excited or bitter; those in the second category will tell you that you are laughing at them or any other bullshit to dull your smile or ruin your plans painful because deep down what they hate is to know that there are people who still enjoy life. Cultivate good humor. Humor is the aspirin for the pain that reality sometimes causes us.

10. People will fail you. But just because people do poorly with you doesn’t mean you have to do poorly with others. Life is like a multiplayer video game where each character has a score. Just because someone else is on less points than you won’t make you earn more points. Focus on doing things right, and don’t compare yourself to others. You have to sleep with a clear conscience.

In closing, let me quote my grandfather to you again.

“You have to be unreasonable enough to have a reasonably happy life. Because if you are always reasonable and don’t take risks you will end up living a mediocre life”.

So dare to lose, and you will come out winning but don’t forget these sad lessons, and you will take with more humor the curve balls that life throws at you ;-)

P.S.: I do my best to create meaningful content and turn this space into a hub that helps lighten the load and provide spiritual and emotional support. Paid subscriptions are the lifeblood of The Disturbing Blog, and of my writing and life in general, as they allow me to devote myself to it as a full-time job and express myself without editing, censorship, or annoying advertising.

This weekend, it would be great if you could consider that a subscription costs less than your afternoon at Starbucks.

And in addition to helping me, you’ll get unlimited access to the archive and courses. And you’ll help me continue to create it.

I know that not everyone can afford to be a paying subscriber, so I always put my content available for free for a few days before locking it down. However, if you can upgrade your subscription, I would greatly appreciate it. With everything that’s going on this year and the rise of AIs, professional writers need help—it’s definitely a precarious job!

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Thank you again for collaborating with me on this work.

May peace be with you.

AG

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Everything changes when you realize you have less time left to live than you have already lived.

It’s like eating the red pill from the Matrix.

You start paying attention.

You start to see what you didn’t dare to look at.

You start to reflect on those things you avoid thinking about.

And there is no turning back.

I took the red pill when I turned 40. I’m 7 months away from turning 45, and these four truths are the ones that have impacted me the most since then.

1. You have to work on your desire more than your abs. When you pass forty, you realize that your body no longer recovers as quickly as when you were 20, but it also happens to your soul. On the one hand, your body tends to accumulate fat that is three times harder to remove than when you were young. On the other hand, your inner fire starts to weaken. And in the same way that you have to force yourself to go to the gym even if you don’t feel like it (or practice another sport) to avoid a sedentary life that increases the risk of heart attack, you’d better make yourself do things so that the stealthy and always lurking snake of laziness don’t bite you and injects you with the poison of apathy, which leads directly to depression.

2. You discover the disturbing red line. There is an invisible but authentic line between what IS for you (for example, going for a walk in the park on a Sunday morning) and what IS NOT for you (for example, partying every weekend until 6 a.m.). As time goes by, more and more things move from the side of what IS for you to the side of what IS NOT for you. It’s as if your life is a house, and Marie Kondo will force her way into it like a SWAT team and throw everything out the window until she leaves you with the essentials. And although it bothers you at first, the truth is that you live much more comfortably afterward.

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1. Treat people with kindness

Do it because kindness is a superpower. If you speak to someone with genuine interest, that person never forgets you. And that’s helpful.

The other day a heard a story about a guy who always said to the janitor when he came into the factory to work, “How was your day? I hope it’s going well.” And on the way out, he would stop for five minutes to see if the janitor had had a good day.

One Christmas, there was a fire in the factory, and the firemen, after getting a lot of people out, asked if anyone was missing; the janitor said that John, the guy who greeted him every day, was missing. The firefighters returned and found him unconscious at his workstation, saving his life.

Then they asked the factory janitor how, with thousands of employees did, he remember that guy?

And he said, “he’s my friend, every day, he asks me how I’m doing.”

Kindness saved John’s life and can work miracles for you.

2. You need f*ck-you-money

F*ck you money is a concept that means having enough money to go away from everything that is f*cking up your life.

Money matters. It matters a lot more than you think it does in your twenties. I’m not saying you should have millions in the bank, but have enough to be able to go without working for a couple of years, and you’ll see how your relationship with your environment changes. Because living with need is not the same as living with love. Because living independently is not the same as being dependent on others, like your bosses or parents.

Necessity forces us to work in places we hate and to put up with all kinds of humiliations. Love allows us to develop creatively and have more possibilities for a whole and happy life.

So don’t spend money like there’s no tomorrow, because you’ll need it at some point.

3. Date yourself more

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Clinging to things has its advantages. But like coins, it has two sides.

The b-side of attachment is jealousy, obsession, pain, guilt, longing, depression, living death, and all those things that make you call your ex at 3 AM and hang up as if doing so will not reflect the call.

Attachment makes us make many mistakes, like staying stuck in the same cycle spinning more times than a washing machine spinning.

That’s why you have to learn to let go little by little of everything that keeps you anchored to the past; as the saying goes, “The past is history, and the future is a mystery.”

Go for the mystery, and your life will stop being boring :-)

And for that, stop getting attached to these three things.

1. Detach yourself from material things.

What you own, owns you, and it doesn’t matter if you hide it at the bottom of the drawer, under your underwear.

So do yourself a favor, let Marie Kondo incarnate in you, and start doing a good spring cleaning to eliminate all the crap that doesn’t serve you.

For example,

• The secret Pandora’s boxes; are not collections of memories; they are shit you whip yourself with when you want to feel nostalgic. (this is a self-reminder :-)

• The old cell phones you collect with their chargers that form a massive ball of cables, not even Pablo Escobar in the 80s would use them anymore. Recycle them.

• The half-dozen pants that, if you’re honest with yourself, you know you’ll never wear again because going back to your twenties is more complex than meeting Elon Musk and having him take you on one of his rockets to Mars. (also a self-reminder :-)

• All those spices you keep in your pantry from when you used to smell like patchouli and say you were a hippie. Plus, all those nougats you hide in the fridge, dating back to Christmas 2020. Clean out the pantry of expired cans that you bought a decade ago and that you keep in case the apocalypse comes.

Cleaning out is a symbolic gesture and an addictive one because when you notice how good it feels to clear your environment of crap you no longer need, you can’t stop.

Remember that for new things to fit in your life, you have to make room :-)

Note: this kind of detachment has the power to increase your happiness.

2. Detach yourself from fears.

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I’m 44 years old, and if they paid me a million dollars to return to my 30s, I wouldn’t.

I’m not kidding.

From my 30s to my 40s, I’ve learned the most powerful life lessons, but the road has been so hard that I honestly wouldn’t be willing to walk it again.

So, I want to share some heartbreaking lessons to save you some pain on your way to 40+.

1. Just because the sun rises today doesn’t mean it will rise tomorrow. What always worked for you can stop working for you without warning. Yes, I know, it sucks, but it happens. And no matter how much you whine and how much you kick. It doesn’t matter how hard it was for you to achieve it. The universe doesn’t share your logic; it changes the game’s rules without your permission whenever it feels like it. And it will, 100% sure it will because the low blows that fate throws at us usually come through our blind spots. From the things and people we take for granted.

2. There will be dreams that turn into nightmares and nightmares that turn into dreams. One of the most disturbing things in life is to achieve what you thought would make you happy and have your life turn into something as terrifying as a Stephen King novel. But it happens more often than you think. However, there are many things you never imagined doing that will make you smile again.

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At 20, I thought I was the king of the world.

At 30, I discovered I wasn’t.

At 33, I hit rock bottom.

And now, almost 44, if you ask me, “How does 40 feel?”

I’d say, “Everything gets better.”

But if you ask me on a deeper level, I would say.

“Henry James argued that it’s a long way from the brain to the heart. And it’s true, that’s why it takes us so long to figure things out; that’s why we think the heart — always capricious — complicates our lives and sometimes betrays us. But over the years, that road so often traveled is shortened. The confusion disappears. And you finally see everything. Everyone’s masks fall off. And you discover what engine drives their intentions.”

That’s why I want to share these five hard truths about people that I discovered starting at 40.

1. Evil people exist. Usually, these people pretend to be the opposite of what they are, gain your trust, and gradually map your brain to exploit your weaknesses. No matter how mentally strong you think you are, there is always a back door to access your psyche. In my case, I had a toxic friend who, every time I got angry with him, instead of calling me by my name, used my nickname as a child to take me back to my childhood and make me behave as I would have done then. — There are many ways to hack your brain; maybe someone in your life may tell you what you need to hear, things like, “If I could photograph your soul, I’m sure it would come out full of scars.” So that you feel understood and they can squeeze you like an orange.

2. Expectation vs. reality. Idealized mental images conspire against your happiness. And that can backfire on you in two opposite ways. 1) having a person so idealized that you refuse to accept that they are not the way they are, no matter how much everyone is warning you in your close environment. And 2) you try to pursue a relationship with someone and that someone has such a crystallized image of what their life should be like that they won’t settle for less. Therefore, they are not flexible. They are looking for their expectations to match 100% with reality, which is impossible, and not only will they never be happy, but they will end up making your life miserable as well.

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Before, my life was average.

But I could no longer live a mediocre life.

So, I read a lot of self-help books.

But they didn’t help me.

So, angry at myself and the world, I started to kick people out of my life.

Then, my life finally took off.

1. I got tired of zombie friendships. Did you know that Robin Dunbar, a psychologist at Oxford University, said that our brains can only manage between 100 and 250 friendships? I don’t know about you, but I had more than 1000 contacts in my phone book. So I edited it mercilessly, deleting all the contacts with whom I had not interacted for more than 6 months. — Recognize it: 2 out of 3 contacts in your phonebook are dead relationships that, at most, congratulate you on your birthday because Facebook notified them :-)

2. I got tired of dodging bullets. There are people you meet, and you feel like Keanu Reeves dodging bullets in the famous Matrix scene; you spend the evening dodging seemingly innocent questions that have a double intention. Poisoned darts that aim to drag you into a discussion that, in the end, you don’t quite know how it started. So I took advantage of the talks in which the agents of the matrix made me fall, to divorce me from their friendship :-)

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My greatest fear is that on the day of my death, the GAME OVER message will appear in front of me, someone will take a virtual reality helmet from me, and everything will have been a game.

That everything I thought was real was just part of the show.

A video game that I decided to play.

A video game that consisted of surviving a life entire of anguish, pain, addiction, loss, and drama.

On the other hand, this would prove Einstein was right when he said, “Two things are infinite: human stupidity and the universe, and I’m not sure about the latter.”

And that is because my life has not been a bed of roses. I have spent 15 years drinking and smoking every night as if the stars were the eyes of an absent father to whom I will try to get his attention by self-destructing.

Long story short: no star (nor my biological father) took the trouble to rescue me from myself.

I had to do it myself. And I did it thanks to forgiving myself.

Although it was not easy, I first had to forgive these things to others.

1. Forgive them for not being their Alfa and their Omega. For not being his chosen one. Their center of attention. Their reason for living. It’s something romantic love demands in youth, and it’s a mistake. No one dies of love (only your mother would die for you). And you can’t resent someone because they won’t pay enough attention to you. Relationships must add up, but each party must keep their independence. Forgive them for taking advantage of your unconditional love or friendship. That naive love without barriers hurt you precisely because you did not know how to set limits.

2. Forgive them for their absence. There are times when people have to choose between helping and being there. Parents know this very well. Maybe they couldn’t spend the time you needed with them because they had to work to put a plate of food on your table. Maybe they needed that time as much as you. That hurt only closes, sitting down to talk like adults and wanting to understand (not justify) the person who abandoned you or was absent.

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Some people can be the best places to stay.

A loved one can be the best shelter for the winter.

A true friend can become the best beach you can visit on vacation.

A mother can be that safe harbor where you can leave your boat until the storm is over.

But we don’t always realize this because we are so focused on our goals and objectives that we have forgotten how important it is to return to those places (or people) where life feels right.

Hyperindividualism has screwed with all our heads: we’ve covered our emotions with armor and locked ourselves behind the walls of a fortress so that no one can reach our hearts.

We don’t want anyone to touch it because it can hurt us, and we’re sick of so much pain. So we prefer to live in our prison, behind the bars of indifference and indifference.

But now and then, we listen to someone and have a lucid moment that changes everything.

And there are phrases capable of breaking down all our barriers with a sledgehammer.

Today I want to share three that made me cry when I internalized them and dared to trust others again, even though I know that loving hurts.
Let’s dive in.

1. On compassion

“If you want to help others, practice compassion. But if you’re going to help yourself, practice compassion.“— Dalai Lama.

Before, when I went to bed, I was thinking…

I wish I could find someone who could calm my sleepless nights.

I wish I could find someone who could introduce happy endings to my nightmares.

I wish I could find someone who could invent the time machine and help me go back to 1990 when I was a boy and still believed in humanity.

I wish I could. But I know it’s impossible.

So I settle for finding someone I can call in the wee hours of the morning. Someone to hold me when darkness reigns in my dreams. Someone who will make me have faith in the future again.

In short, someone who has empathy.

But reading that sentence about the Dalai Lama opened my eyes (and made me cry) because I started thinking as follows…

If having compassion means feeling tenderness and empathizing with someone’s ills, Why can’t I feel tenderness for myself? Why can’t I permit myself to feel distressed? Why can’t I give myself quality time to be with myself?

If I do, I will truly identify with that stranger I see every morning in front of the bathroom mirror.

If I do, the cognitive dissonance between who society wants me to be and who I am will end.

I will know how to do it with others if I do it. And then I will be able to change the world (at least a little bit).

And I did, and it made a difference.

2. On stopping feeling like crap

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After seven years of living together, my girlfriend broke up with me via phone call.

The last time I saw her was in a photo on Facebook giving a snog to a redhead dressed in a traditional kilt in a nightclub in Edinburgh, 1700 miles from our home.

I was 33 years old, and that same year, I also lost 99.9% of my childhood friends.

I ended up living in a rented apartment, lying on the floor of an interior room, praying to God that my body and soul would stop hurting.

After a long time, I overcame that painful loneliness, or perhaps I made peace with it, I don’t know.

What I do know and will never forget are these three cold, hard lessons that loneliness taught me.

1. You don’t miss others

When you are alone and excluded, you realize that you don’t miss the people; you miss the person you were with that people.

That third brain constantly forms when you interact with one or more people.

As my mother says, “When the children get older and leave home, you miss them, but most of all, you miss the attentive, helpful, loving mother you were to your children before they grew up and stopped needing you.”

I missed the person I was with my girlfriend. I missed the person I was with my lifelong friends. I missed my youth. And it hurt me to see how that person I once was died.

Because I could not be that person without my girlfriend, I couldn’t be that person without my friends. I couldn’t be myself any longer.

It would be my turn to grow up and become someone different. And that was what hurt me. One version of me was dying so that another could be reborn like a phoenix.

Lesson: when you become someone different (and better), you stop missing those who left because you don’t want to go back to being who you were around them. But before all that, your past self has to die, and that hurts; it hurts a lot.

2. Pain is what transforms you

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I have a disturbing theory that we only behave in two ways

• Case 1: Rose mode.

• Case 2: Gardener mode.

The key is how self-esteem is managed in each Mode.

Because self-esteem is intimately related to wealth and happiness.

Case 1: Rose Mode.

The flower’s self-esteem is born of its beauty.

• + Beauty = + External attention = + Self-esteem (a toxic one)

As long as the beauty lasts, the rose gets used to the admiration of others.

Problem: Beauty is ephemeral; it lasts less than a block of ice in the desert :-)

When its beauty fades, the rose becomes frustrated because no one will visit it and it will be rejected.

Its loneliness turns into an itch that cannot be relieved no matter how much it scratches.

At that moment, the rose becomes addicted to validation, as it gives it a little peace.

To sum up,

The beauty of the rose represents the good times.

Everything has its cycles. When you grow, everyone is by your side. The problem is when the decline comes, and everyone leaves.

When that happens, you start to lower your standards and accept the attention of anyone.

What is sad and dangerous because you let into your life a lot of crap.

This causes you to lose happiness because you externalize your self-esteem.

And it costs you money because you must spend money to please people.

Ergo,

+ Mode rose = — Wealth and — Happiness.

Case 2: Gardener Mode.

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I worked for years as a waiter in a nightclub and discovered the critical points to becoming a magnet for people by observing the customers.

As a result of that experience, I have made a simple list of the three fundamental points (that do not cost money) that you have to take into account if you want to become more attractive in the eyes of others.

These are the sexiest behaviors that you can include in your daily life to attract your better half.

Act like the host

There is a false myth that says that tough guys and Femme Fatales are the most flirtatious at the discotheque. And it’s an entirely wrong myth.
What attracts people is a determined personality. And this is often confused with cold and distant behavior.

Suppose you want to attract all eyes; the fundamental thing is to enter the room smiling, maintaining an upright posture, and behaving as if you were at home (but without being a jerk).

How to do it?

All the most successful people I’ve met in my years working in the nightlife world did the same thing; they behaved as if the bar was theirs, not in the sense of showing off but treating everyone as guests.

Be a good host, and you will attract all eyes.

Taking care of people and ensuring they are comfortable makes you irresistible.

Smell and cleanliness are the keys.

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In my 44 years, I have lived through moments so painful that I would not wish them on my worst enemy and moments so happy that I do not even tell them to my best friends so that they do not condition my memories with their opinions and comments.

In my 44 years of life, I have experienced eye-opening and terrifying moments, and some of those moments had bipolar disorder: happy moments filled with tears, bitter moments filled with hysterical laughter.

In my 44 years, I have lived on little and spent more than I could afford. I have traveled by bus and jet. I have been alone and in company. I have loved and hated.

In my 44 years, I have experienced all kinds of moments and situations and learned a few things.

Here are 8 of the most disturbing but helpful things I wish I had known much earlier.

1. Problems are not measured; they are weighed. It’s not the size of the problem; it’s the resistance to face it. There are minor problems that weigh a lot and giant problems that you take with more stoicism than Marcus Aurelius. A balloon filled with water weighs more than one filled with helium, even though mini water balloons are smaller than the Mickie Mouse face balloons you buy at the town fair. What you put into your problem, anxiety, hopes, anguish, fear, and rejection determines its weight. That’s why some people deal with issues as if they were light. And people who have minor problems like a pimple on their face before a date and behave as if the world is coming to an end.

2. Reality is a coin. Everything has its heads, and everything has its tails. But it is me, my perception of that reality, that determines how I experience it. I choose to think that I am a failure when I fail or that I am one step closer to succeeding. I prefer to be the victim of my circumstances or the hero of my odyssey. I choose to see the light at the end of the tunnel or the shadow on a sunny day. I choose; I always choose how I react to reality. And that doesn’t stop bad things from happening to me, but it gives me back the power that everything external that I don’t control takes away from me.

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Sometimes, I feel like I’m in an Escape Room where everyone finds the clues except me.

It’s like I only understand things long after they’ve happened, long after the time is right, long after I can do something, long after everyone else.

That’s why I remind myself of these seven cold, hard truths to regain clarity whenever it happens to me.

1. In life, you play all the roles inside your mind. And it’s the same way you can’t control how others perceive you, no matter how hard you try; others are not exactly as you think they are, but as your mind perceives them. And your mind, just like mine, just like everyone’s, is full of prejudices, cognitive biases, and other subjectivities that constantly alter the reality of the world and people. As Ian Maclaren’s famous adage goes, “Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about.” In other words, you lack the facts to judge the behaviors of others. Realizing this saves you a lot of headaches.

2. You can be robbed but not dispossessed. It’s not the money you have but the ability to generate it. It’s not the contacts you have but your magnetism. It’s not the clients you have but your excellence at work. It’s not the partner you have but your way of seducing, romancing, and treating others well. And yes, they can steal your money, contacts, clients, and even your partner. But they can’t take away what made you earn it: your talent, your magnetism, your excellence at work, your way of loving. Ergo, if you lose any of the above, don’t stress because you’ll get it back.

3. Some kisses are given with the memory. Some people leave our lives with our names in their eyes; people who loved us and life steal from us. But what even life cannot take away from you are the memories. We will always have that third person that one day we were, that third brain formed after the link with that person that today is no longer there; that third entity, formed from the sum of both, still lingers within you. So do not be sad because part of the one who left still lives in you.

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My grandfather once told me,

“Beware of false friends. They will approach you only to take advantage of your inner glow. They don’t care if the light inside you goes out. Because they only think of sucking your energy, even if it costs you your joy or your very life.”

How right he was!

The problem lies in realizing who is your friend and who is an energy vampire.

Here is a short list of the types of people who, throughout my life, stole that light that we all carry inside so that it does not happen to you.

1. The bad leavers. Jack Kerouac argued that “The beauty of things must lie in that everything ends,” but how they end can mar the most beautiful things (including relationships). And the fact is that the second most telling thing about a person, after the first impression, is the last one. — Some people leave our lives trying to keep the beautiful moments, while others want to tattoo their names on fire on our chests and minds so that we feel bad every time we remember them. Moral: If a “bad leaver” knocks on your door again, don’t open it because he will hurt you as much as he can when he leaves again.

2. The narcissistic lover. Unrequited love is the most comfortable. And it disguises itself as friendship. That’s why I strongly recommend that you stay away from those people you secretly love (even if both parties know what’s happening). Because why would that person keep you around if they have no romantic interest in you? Think about it. Think about it coldly. Could it be that they like what you give them? Attention, admiration, loyalty. Could it be that this person likes to be on a pedestal so he can look down on you? Could they enjoy watching you crawl after them even though they know you don’t stand a chance? Could it be that this person not only doesn’t care about your feelings but also enjoys trampling on them?

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Everyone says they love you a lot, and I’m not saying they don’t, but life has shown me that it is preferable to be loved a little and well rather than a lot and bad.

Obsessions are not good, and many people do not want to lose sight of you. That’s why when they feel that you will go, they use tools and tricks to condition you so that you stay by their side.

A true friend wants to see your progress. This other type of person I am referring to does not; what interests them is that you remain stagnant so that they can always keep you close to them.

And watch out! We can all become one of those people who are so attached that they end up suffocating others.

That’s why here is a list of attitudes that these people use so that 1) you can identify them and prevent them from screwing up your life and 2) you don’t become one of them.

Let’s start

1. Sow doubt

People who want to keep you trapped in their reality so that you don’t evolve will say things like, “What do you think of that new guy? I don’t know, he doesn’t look clean”, or “I heard that place where you sent your resume mistreats its employees. A friend of mine who works there told me so”, “Why are you going to study that if it’s a dead-end job.”

2. Make false testimonies

People who secretly conspire against you speak ill of others when they feel their place in your life is threatened. They will say things like, “You know your boyfriend was with a colleague from work the other day,” “I don’t want to badmouth your mother, but she doesn’t give you good advice,” or “I saw that new friend of yours the other day, doing strange things, I think he’s hiding something.”

3. They subtly try to undermine your self-esteem

People who subtly conspire against you always keep your self-esteem in check because that’s what people with low self-esteem do: they don’t allow others to have high self-esteem in case they leave their side. People with low self-esteem, whenever they see you happier than usual, will try to lower your vibrational level by saying things like, “What’s wrong with you? You look bad every time; are you sick?”, “You need to eat fewer buns; you are getting fat” or any other seemingly polite and well-meaning comment that worsens your day.

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Smart people don’t say they are smart.

They make you think they’re dumb, so they can watch and listen to get the upper hand.

It’s the same with mentally strong people: they have nothing to prove.

They know they are emotionally wise and exceptionally resilient. But they keep it a secret, so people don’t take advantage.

However, some subtle clues indicate whether a person is mentally strong that cannot be faked.

They have to do with their mindset, philosophy of life, and way of approaching things from entirely different angles than the average person.

Here are three of those signs.

(Who knows, maybe you are one of those people :-)

1. You Stop romanticizing your beliefs

“If you play the same game everyone else does, you’ll get the same results everyone else does (mediocre).” —Alex Hormozi (Book: $100M Offers)

When you’re a mentally strong person, you choose your beliefs. You stop thinking like everybody else just to fit in with the crew. You don’t behave like the herd anymore. You’re not a sheep anymore; you become a wolf.

And you are okay with it because, as Jordan Petterson said, “you should be a monster and then learn how to control it.”

Mentally strong people know that what brought them here will not take them any further. And because of that, they readapt their beliefs.

Here are the main beliefs mentally strong people update to achieve the next step of success.

1. Money isn’t a bad thing per se… Money in the wrong hands is.

2. Power isn’t a bad thing per se… Power in the wrong hands is.

3. Leadership isn’t a bad thing per se… Leadership in the wrong hands is.

When you’re a mentally strong person, you face all your mental weaknesses and rewire your brain.

When you become a mentally strong person, you have morals and values, but you choose practical beliefs over debilitating beliefs because you know that if a belief doesn’t serve you, you have to change it to thrive.

As Benjamin Hardy says in his book, Personality Isn’t Permanent, “You become who you choose to be.”

2. You stop being naive about relationships

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There came a time when I got sick and tired of not feeling like I was enough.

Valuable enough.

Smart enough.

Tall enough.

Handsome enough.

Successful enough.

There came a time when I realized that all around me smelled like sulfur.

There came a time when I discovered that I had been living in hell for too long.

And that’s when I decided to get out.

And I know I’m not the only one.

Here are three subtle signs that someone has been through hell and survived.

1. You don’t waste your energy talking

People who have been through terrible times talk very little.

They know that words help but lose power when they become normalized.

A phrase or a motivational speech can lift your spirits, but if you hear it every day, it loses its effect. — It happens with the songs you like; after listening to them so much, they stop moving you.

People who have lived through great tribulations know that words can be the trigger for action but cannot replace the act itself.

Good intentions don’t pay the bills; finding a job will.

Apologies don’t save marriages; going to therapy and doing what you can to change will.

Talking about New Year’s goals doesn’t get anyone in shape; going to the gym will.

People who have been through absolute hell know firsthand that it’s unnecessary to complain if you are not going to do something about it.

2. You are tired

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The problem with good friends is that, just like people, they change, and not always for the better.

Sometimes, they become more toxic than your ex, but unlike your ex, they are still in your life.

You’d love to take them to couples therapy, but they’d not accept.

So, if you see any of these five signs in any of your friends, my unsolicited advice today is to give yourselves some time :-)

1. They behave like a dark psychotherapist. Seneca said, “One of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand and to be understood.” But be careful because some people use everything you tell them against you. This type of person always acts the same way: (1) gains your trust, (2) makes you feel comfortable so you can relax, (3) insists over and over again that you tell them what is happening to you, and (4) when time goes by they use it to their benefit or against you, or they throws it in your face. Avoid people like that; a good friend does not hoard your secrets to use your weaknesses against you.

2. They Fact-Check everything you say as if only fake news comes out of your mouth. — Things are not like they used to be. In the old days, your friend, instead of laughing or blaming you for the stupid things we all say sometimes, made you feel good, not giving a damn and joking about your blunders to get you out of the red zone of embarrassment as soon as possible. Now they enjoy seeing you there. And that is a clear symptom that your friendship is in trouble. It’s like in couple relationships: what attracted them to you before starts to bother them. That’s why they criticize and distrust what you say; they don’t respect you.

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At the age of 33, I hit rock bottom,

• I was an alcoholic, smoked three packs of Luckie Strike a day, and ate vast amounts of carbohydrates.

• I had panic attacks and wanted to end everything.

• I got along terribly with my family.

• And I was broke.

Since I had nothing to lose, I started my spiritual path. I tried everything from Yoga to stoicism to Christianity. Today, I am almost 43 years old,

• I don’t drink or smoke, and I eat a balanced diet.

• I have no panic attacks, and I have a zest for life.

• I have reconciled with my family.

• I am not Warren Buffett, but I have some money saved in the bank.

This is the information that helped me the most to achieve this.

1. On addictions.

“Always choose the option that scares you the most because that’s the one that’s going to require the most from you.” — Caroline Myss.

Focus on your Achilles heel (primary addiction) because that’s the addiction that leads you to the others.

In my case, it was tobacco.

Tobacco led me to drinking, and drinking led me to fast food.

I tried to stop drinking, but every time I drank, I felt like smoking.

I tried to give up junk food, but drinking and smoking made me want to order takeout.

But when I focused on quitting smoking, it started a domino effect that sanitized my life from all other addictions.

Quitting smoking got me interested in sports; sports changed the way I ate, and I finally managed to quit drinking.

Lesson: focus on quitting your Achilles heel (main addiction), and stay away from environments that favor access to your addiction because if you keep hanging around environments that favor that addiction, you will eventually relapse. Or do you know any former gambling addict who does not relapse if he spends the day walking around casinos?

2. On happiness.

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